Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Own Worst Critic

Being your own worst critic can be a blessing and a curse; throw you into hormonal tears or give you an exhilaration for life excited for the next thing to happen. For me at this very moment, sadly I must say, has thrown me into hormonal tears. I'm sure all you mothers out there have had this feeling at one time or another but I am upset with the fact that I'm sure I could be a better mother and am sad for my boys that I haven't been giving them my best. I feel I should be doing more playing, less web surfing, more crafts, less cartoon watching, more adventurous play outings, and less forming into hermits in my house!

Time whips by us all too quickly and I find myself just sitting. What is wrong with me?! I have two great boys whom I love more than anything and I let them sit and watch cartoons all morning while I do what I want to do. Selfish? Obviously so, or I wouldn't be having feelings of remorse of how I have been mothering lately. Granted I am just 2 weeks away from having my third child, but to be quite honest I have been feeling great, there is no reason for my laziness towards my children. I can be a mover and a shaker yet I know I haven't been giving my kiddos the attention and loving that I think they should have. What is funny is how your children give you unconditional love (especially at this young innocent age) regardless of the crappy job you think you are doing as a mother. I don't think there is anything more heart melting than your child yelling "Mooommmmy" with a million dollar smile running to you with arms wide open once you have gotten home from a 30 minute errand. You would think that you had been gone all day yet they are genuinely ecstatic that all you have done is come home to them.

So why then do I know that I'm not doing my best job but still find it hard to get out of the habit that has been made the past couple of months? Have I lost my inner child? I hope not. What a sad day that would be. Regardless of age everyone should keep the feeling of wanting to play. I want to change yet find it hard all at the same time. I am a good person. I do love my children dearly. I do know that I have a wonderful life especially when there are many more others out there that don't. I do love trying to soak up every bit of laughter, smile, touch....and yet I'm still sitting here today posting to my blog rather than being engaged with my boys. I'm not completely sure what is wrong with me but I do believe I need to to reread my soul searching books that ends up giving me a renewed sense of self and motivation to be a better person. Perhaps we all need a bit of recharging, regardless of how your life is going at any given instance I think everyone eventually needs to recharge themselves even if everything appears to be peachy keen.

Here is to my children a renewed promise to them that I will be a better mommy; a mommy that wants to build fun memories while I have the chance in this most important age that my children are in. If you have felt this way and have any ideas on how to recharged your inner being I would be open to your own personal tricks.


Anonymous said...

My dear child! You are an excellent mother! It is not uncommon for mothers to be hard on themselves. I have been a perfect example of that for you. So you haven't been June Cleaver lately. All those boys need is to know you are near and that they are safe. You play with them plenty. I have witnessed you going about your chores,all the while throwing the ball to Sam.Maybe you haven't been 100% involved,but hey, you are 9 months pregnant and tired. It will pass. I still wonder if I have been a good mother, but you assure me I have. All you can do is try again and do the best you can. You are human. You and Joel are so patient with your boys. I have often thought that I wish I could have been a more patient mother,like I see in you. They love you and as long as you love them back all is good. ;0) Love you!

Anonymous said...